Understanding Loss

 

Part of life is death and part of death is the life lived and love.

This isn’t my usual kind of post but I wanted to dedicate this time to a prayer for my deceased grandpa. I came home from a date tonight a few minutes ago only to hear from my father that my grandpa has passed away. 

I am happy he is not in pain anymore and very grateful for the time and love he gave when he was here in my 31 years of life. He brought so much joy, love, and support in areas of my life I never knew possible.

He was my biggest advocate when my parents used to get upset about something I have done and he was my greatest supporter on my dreams and ambition.  

Whenever I came home from college, when I came home from studying abroad in London, and whenever I came back from my time living in New York, he would always find the time and strength to have lunch together. I felt so much love from him. 

He gifted me a jewelry making set from Costco that I kept to this day.

I remember birthdays with him every year up until my early teens. 

I remember gifts and red envelopes from him and his annual birthday dinner. He never made anything about him significant and always cared about us much more than he did himself.

He held himself with so much dignity, poise and had so much inner strength. He was always well dressed. 

He didn’t want us to see him in pain but he lived so long and was strong for so long. He was in his late 90s. 

I could only hope to live half as long as him and pray he watches over us. I always thought I was his favorite grandkid but now I realized his power was in treating all his grandkids like they were each his favorite. 

He had the time and energy to take the train to visit us and bring us fruits. He lived through the communist regime, had 3 wives and a girlfriend (whom he got married to late in his 70s) had 7 kids and a ton of grandkids and great grandkids. He brought his entire family to America and made sure each one got here safely. 

And he was fair. He gave each grandkid the same amount of red envelope money and the same amount of love. He knew it was hard being a girl and I always felt a special connection to him as he was the only person on this planet I felt understood me fully. He saw my soul and exterior self.

This time last year, I lost my baby kitten Money. This has not been an easy year and I know through these deaths it will only get more difficult from here on in. But may their souls live in heaven and find peace and may they watch over us, the living. 

I thought frequently this year to my high school throwing coach who passed away, and how I reconnected with a friend from throwing this year and how I developed more athleticism in my later years. I’ve also had 2 high school classmates pass away and a high school summer program leader who passed away.

I’ve experienced many deaths and all of them felt differently. All of them close to my heart and all of them whom I felt their lives guided me in difficult situations and opened a new area of understanding to.

I wanted to see him one last time before he passed but I suppose that’s the thing, you never know when it’s the last moment. I’m very glad I moved back from New York and was able to see him before he passed. 

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.